Commitment

Somebody of interest alluded to the idea that I am afraid of commitment.  Afraid of commitment?  Some thing to think on, and explore...I know I was not always this way, I know I used to commit on a moments notice, to the best thing that was around, or just anything that required some sort of commitment from me...

Its not actually commitment I think that Im afraid of, but the process of someone or something becoming what I want to commit to.  No, believe me, I want to be in a relationship with someone (this might be a specific) but I believe that I may have forgotten how to get from here to there.  I've forgotten in a way, how to be vulnerable anywhere else but here, in this space between letters.

Which is sort of disgusting really, as the very thing I long for is made harder by this medium.  I express here what it is I wish to say to a person.  I write here what my heart could not push through my lips.  These keys are my crutch. 

And I can see me ten years from now, in the same situation as I am now, trying to reach out but being caught in the cycle of my own comfort...

And there is that belief that when Im ready I will naturally just commit to someone.  Obviously there is a reason that some men prefer the company of younger women.  Without all that experience, they are easily drawn into a commitment.  I was myself when I was 19, and ended up in a relationship that lasted 2 years when we had only known eachother prior to that for a couple of weeks.  It was, of course a very good relationship, but it taught me not to commit so readily.  That commitment should be according to...

I dont want to be the only one struggling....
Or I want to be assured that there is no need to struggle or there is nothing wrong with it, that its ok to feel conflicted and wonder, and want to wait to see.  Of course there is a very real attraction, and I can feel it, perhaps because I have a gift for imagining situations in which the end result is my own misery, I create the circumstance in which that happens.

Which is where I see I need to spend some time really commiting to positive thinking.

Of course he likes me, of course he is attracted to me, there is nothing wanting here,  There is nothing needed, I am whole and complete, and happy.  I would like to rest in his arms, and rest in his intellectual banter, and rest, indeed in his heart, where he is not so abrasive.

I very much cherish him because he didnt automatically let me in.  He didnt just say "I like you"  It was earned, and so can be trusted that he values me.  His words are few, so the ones he says are heavy, hold meaning to me.  Now that I am in a more stable situation, I am more open to the possibility of committing

But its also that I want to know that I am committing to creating something with someone that will last.  On the other hand, you cant ever know, can you?  I can only commit to the now, because I dont have anything else.

i would like, of course to have a conversation other than in a smoky bar room with a drink in my hand.