When was the last time....
you let some one miss use you,
abuse you,
ignore you....
Pretend like you didnt exist, or worse,
like you did, and you werent worth existing.

When was the last time you were forgotten
or simply not seen. or just not favored
given back seat,
left alone....

Never?

So what?

So would you expect some one else
to allow you to treat them
in a way
that made them feel
like a second hand diaper?

I am consumed poured into so many mouths how could any have their fill but there keeps coming more no matter how empty the drips dropping out continuously into the awaiting mouths I am consumed over and over like loaves and fishes a million fed a million more awaiting never ending supply Its a wonder the tedium doesnt kill me I am consumed my hope spilling out on the concrete ridden with tension twitching uncontrollably as in dreams

There is something wrong with me... There is something I need to fix about the way I think. I believe the truth of the matter is I have that little town faith in people and the world has that big city "get what you can" mentality that makes me sick. What proof do I have of this? The bags under my eyes, the tears down my cheeks the empty ring finger the grass is always greener no, this isnt a country song and its not a "poor me" anecdote... Its just a realization that the way I approach relationships with other people needs to be rethought. I need to change my perceptions to match the reality-wolves are everywhere. They even hide in friendly faces. I need to protect myself...I would rather be protected by others the way I protect others. I hate these thoughts with passion. And I can choose to keep them at bay. And sometimes I do. But not today. Today they are here on this page. To be let out. Because my biggest fear is not that I will die or that I will waste my life... But that I am wrong to have faith in people.

You're still pouring out of my pen It makes me want to throw it away and take up painting or skydiving Anything but the part of you that still needs to be written out of my system Your fucking penance for the "sins" you've committed you want me to destroy you with words so you can feel better for being such a douche But I refused your invite to abuse you. Fuck you. I've got better peope to talk to. Ones that dont require abuse to feel worthwhile. Your fucking penance... Prepared for before you even commit the sin go confess to some one who gives a shit. I suppose this one is a little outdated...but as it apparently has returned itself to my forethought, I guess it needs to be here. I find the cycle between feeling good about something or someone, and the guilt that comes from that to be useless and worthless. I make connections, maybe it goes too far, maybe it doesnt go far enough, but if I felt guilty about it, if I let myself destroy my own worth, then I cant learn the lesson I need to from the experience. And then again, you can get lost in the cycle... You become like those religious fanatics who go out commit any of the deadly sins they can think of, but they do it with a vengence, and then walk around for how ever many days cutting their backs up with whips and wailing at what wretches they are: pathetic and stupid. Just so incredibly stupid. I mean what do those people learn? They ignore the rules to feel good for just a tiny second, and then they beat themselves for it....over and over and over again....There are enough cycles to get caught up without having to add to them. anyway, thats my rant today.

I wish I could with every passing day. And today, sitting at work I thought about how my life has changed so drastically in the last 8 months. That car crash altered my life so drastically. I remember that day before the crash. I was so happy. I had everything. I try to move forward. I try to move on. I try to live the now like its the last day (cause it just might be) and I try to love with the abandon that I love you. but its always the same. I work in a strip club in NYC. No. Im not a dancer. I sit at the front and collect the entrance fee for the men (and women) that are there to spend a night on the dark side of life, but 8 months ago.... 8 months ago I was someone else. I was with some one else. I had something else. This Cynicism was replaced with Hope. This shadow was faded by light. Why must we give to others what we are given by others? I...I cant find the words to express my sorrow. I cant find the words to explain to you this emptiness. I have woken up and seen so much emptiness. I look inside and only see well....I cant see anything. I cant feel anything. I dont mean to put it on anyone least of all you who might have happened to get this far without getting depressed and hiding in a corner and crying until the day breaks. No one can make me feel better except myself. I know that. Such a lonely feeling. I guess I know I havent moved on. And I need to sleep. And today at noon, I have my first therapy session with a new counselor...and I have so much to say that I probably wont know where to begin.

There was a connection I mourn with Joy over its existance and now the distance requires suspicion of re-examination Because the inspiration I felt Wasnt the fleeting kind. _____________________________ So utterly loving you from all the way over here and knowing without a shadow of a doubt that wont change no use wishing that I could be there, but know that you inspire me to dig deeper you influence me to be greater and to live life louder than I am I am more alive, more myself with you and you are a beautifully bound ever changing challenging, fluxuating living book that captivates my imagination and encourages my soul holds my heart in the written words like a child entranced with a face in the mirror ____________________________________ ellusive decree Guarded portals hide a part of a wholly magnificent soul Formed to protect the "dark side" Too painful to be acknowledged Distraction dancing to make love Appear for free before your eyes absent are the usual "magic strings" The illusion: reality Heightened awareness of the barricade brought to pass by a sudden spotlight Revealing the audience as the stage and her role to the player Love, curiosity, a desire to fulfill carry the player to the jaded portals patience revealing what is hidden and love providing the key.