I need one at this moment.  Someone who I can trust to tell my I exist.  That Im real.  I look at all these people, and believe me, Im not one to ever do anything conventional or even to believe that conventional is the right way to do things.  I know enough to know that.  But Im here again in a foreign country without anyone to share the beauty with. 

I look around as I sight see, and there are couples, families, friends, all pointing out things to eachother, sharing their visions and their perspectives, and I am again alone.  No one to share my experience with. 

Locals love me, of course.  I have no problem meeting friends.  But they are temporarily in my surroundings and the connection ends when the desire for physical interaction is not mutual.  But this was the exact reason why I got home last time, and desired desperately to find a place to rest, to find a place to call home, to gather around me a group of friends and to stick to one place.  There has been a whole lot of me spreading myself thin and not a whole lot of me gathering in and not a whole lot gathering to me....

So still I spread thin, and am not in my right frame of mind, and I wonder now, my future so indefinite, where I will be going, and if I am not the one who is causing this chaos...

I have learned to take opportunity as it arises, so as not to have any regrets.  However, there are many opportunities and not very many ways of telling if they are permanant or not.

Read this out loud to yourself in a soft whisper, so that only you can hear the words.

And Listen.

As you are listening imagine the way my mouth moves to form the words.  Imagine my smile as I watch you moving too fast to do this.  Slow down.  Slow way down.

And listen.

I want you to see me in front of you.  My grey eyes-or perhaps at this moment they are a certain clear green-looking straight into yours.  Nose to nose, staring, searching openly-honestly with eachother.  You see my heart-the shades of grey, the light there in the upper right hand corner-my spot reserved just for you.

And I can see your blues-dark and light-like the sky just before daybreak when the sun teases the horizon.  I am looking into those blue eyes-seeing that part of you that you dont admit is lost.~

Its beautiful- laid bare there in your eyes, your pure vulnerability, your pure self, the self I adore-that backs up and hides when I get too close.

I watch you return to the safety of your veil.  Your eyelids close to hide your exquisite fear, your perfect soul.

I am taking a step back, but my eyes are still open for you to look into when you feel like lifting the veil again.

Don´t stop trying.  The most beautiful thing I have ever seen in there, behind that silk.
I wont force entry, I wont tear down walls, I wont push.  I will stand here with my honesty, wit my love, and I will wait.

Safety is an illusion.  But my love is not. 

The first words he spoke to her...

Years of absence hadn´t changed his face, his blue eyes awakening the light in the room and drawing it to him. And the way he looked at her without any words spoken, that first look, always-he could see her. The real her, straight into her heart, and it felt right to her to be seen by him-always naked to his eyes, soul bared with no instinct to hide.

As always he cut straight to the point in that strange "dancing around the subject" way he had. "Ill never say `I love you`again. I´ll never love agian. It hurts too much."

As the words tumbled over her the other occupants of the room disappeared, and hearing his voice as she drew closer to him, her heart heaved a sad sigh. She moved closer to him, her face next to his now, her aura pressing against his, and she inhaled his sweet scent, the same as it was years ago. She lost herself in his proximity.

His eyes closed, and to the outside observer, it mimicked the favorite catholic image of the Christ-a face that at once described the state of both ecstasy and exquisit pain, the ultimate glory in the ultimate sacrifice, and he relaxed against the tears that were fighting to form, giving them nothing to rise against.

He hadn´t known how seeing her again would effect him, but knowing where she was and that he could reach her easily, made it impossible not to show up at the place.

He hadn´t known how she would react to his unannounced reappearance after the years of silence he had abandoned her to.

He hadnt dared hope.

When walking there, closing the distance between them unbeknownst to her, he had imagined various situations, her various reactions to his presence. He halfheartedly hoped that she had forgotten him, forgotten his face, forgotten his effect on her. That she had taken a new lover, that had erased all the pleasure and the pain and all the faces of lovers before him. He had almost hoped that she would not remember.

He imagined the blank look in her eyes where recognition would have been and his silent disappointment and relief merging into his reintroduction to her life.

He also imagined her immediate anger at his return, if she had remembered, at his continued self centered treatment of her. That he could be so inconsiderate, so callous to show up without giving her choice of whether she wanted to see him again. How could he just show up like that after years of absence, like he just lived around the corner and was dropping off the sugar she had asked for just yesterday.

And he had dared not hope for this.
 
As if no time had passed. As if four years were merely yesterday and he had just left the night before, had come to his senses as the sun rose, and this morning returned with his heart in his hands for her to take.

He was surprised by his own words, but she wasnt. And her life source so close to his had broken down the walls that his first words had created and in wild abandon he breathed her deep into his soul, like an oxygen starved deep sea diver breaking through the surface of the sea. And perhaps like that metaphor, the air of her body had the same life saving effect.

The moment before, the divers lungs burning to breath as he thinks "this is it, Im not going to make it". His instincts take over at the thought and the adreniline rushes through his body, just before it drives his fingers into the awaiting air. And after breathing deeply, the tears of recognition "I made it, Im alive" flowing freely, drenching his heart in the moment, in this moment of being alive.

His hands hesitate as they rise to touch her skin. So many dreams of this moment, the fear that she isnt real- that his imagination, his memory is this good, and her hands brush him.

One hovering above the stubble on his face, he can feel it breathing against one of her favorite places to connect with him when they were together. She loved to have one hand against his cheek and the other where it is now, on his chest just above his heart. "Instant connection" she always called it.

She doesnt know how to answer this confession except to comfort and so she remains silent as he lets his next confession in the form of a question fall upon her ears.

"How could anyone want to be anywhere else?"

And the floodgates push against her eyelids as the perfection of the moment becomes too much. No, not too much. I will not draw back yet, she thinks. Not yet. I will tell my love again.

"You will be loved again, as you are and as you have been"

Her tears trace an "S" down her cheek as he brings her lips to his own and his taste is what has been missing all this time. She collapses into that kiss, puts her all into it, as his arms wrap around her and hold her.

Her heart dies then is reborn in the happiness of her soul´s return.