You are a catalyst
a catalyst for growth
For experience
for inner reflection

You have made me aware
of certain child like ideals
that are holding on inside me
like "attachment"
and "forever"
and "concrete"

I have grown
from being denied
and excluded, kept outside
the inner circle of your thoughts

I have expanded
past the boundaries that I placed
because your walls are outside the ones I know
I understand
more.

You have been a catalyst
perhaps without your knowledge
but with your intention
to be in my sphere
and the seed kept growing
planted in the right soil.

A minute ago, and I forgot what it was I was dwelling on.  i forgot what it was I mourned.  I forgot what it was I forgot.

or maybe its there, and like a traumatic childhood memory will come back to me in a rushing flood of tears and angry dissappointed cries, that things can be so wonderfully cruel, so lovingly unconcerned, so fanatically uninterested.

But I forgot what it was that will flood back...and maybe, self medication will secure its release from my memory, and Ill be cured.


On an off note....It sucks, because when I am in this mood that I have been lately as I write, I must admit, I love writing, and I love what I write.  I do feel bad at times that my mood stays so eeyore-ish for such long periods of time....Lately though, I've really only have enough time for the depths.  I dont have time to explore the depths and the hieghts (unfortunately perhaps, the depths are my default-I dive before I ascend) and so therefore I stick with the quickest outpouring I can manage of truth, even though its not capable of encompassing all that I feel. 

The first emotion that surfaces has been sorrow for the last six months, because I have been in denial of finality.   I cant go back to last year.  I cant get my car back.  I cant get my life back as I knew it.  It all happened so fast.

Fuck this. Im going to bed

Oh My Dearest One. 

Why the melancholy soul?  Why the sadness in your eyes, even at the happiest moments?  Why the worries and self doubt?  Do you not know your own beauty?  Do you not know the worth of your soul?

I wont write you poetry or pretty words.  Just that no one can make you realize your worth but you.  No one can make you forget, but those you allow. 

Please remember, Dearest One.  Please remember the lightness of your soul, the joy that is there.  Please recall that first day that you laughed, the joy it brought you to smile.  How in love with life you are.  Please remember that your life is beautiful, and that without you, this world is not the same, is not as much as it could be, is not as much as it should be. 

Your dreams are just within reach my darling, My soul's love.  Your just a little ways away.  Just a thought.  Thats all it takes.  Just a thought.  Take that step, My Nashiertah.  Take that journey. 

You have everything you need, Dearest Heart.  Everything you could want.  Your Love awaits you if you just welcome it.  Your joy is here, if you open the door.  Your life is worth living, all you have to do is see that.

I am always here, My Dearest One.  I am always by your side, my soul surrounding your heart.  My love engulfing your spirit.  We are One.  Love.

Namaste'
Me

I cant hear your words no matter what you say
Rejection looks acception
and that I cant even say
What I want to hear filters through
and discerns a positive where negatives lay
So how can I trust myself to know you are pointing away?

I think perhaps you bank on that-
me hearing the way that makes me stay
so you dont lose another girl
that doesnt make you feel "that way".

We hate to live this way
but we cant do nothing bout
no we cant do nothing bout it
so we sit and wait in our cells of confinement
cause we cant to do nothing bout it

I ring my head along these bars of hell
cracking the window of this solitary cell
but its no use trying to get out
Cause I cant do nothing bout it
No, I cant do nothing bout it.

I wish I died in that accident
because then you wouldnt wonder
you wouldn't wonder
You would know
that Im the one
because you want your life to be a tragedy
and if the only way I can be in it
is not to be
then
I'd be your "if only"
and your "I wonder"
I'll be your "one day"
and your "tomorrow"

Cause you wont let your happy ending
come today.
________________________________________

I drink a half a bottle of wine to get to my feelings
They're buried so deep thats the only way I can find them
I want to have one of those moments in the movies
Where the connection is so deep that others find mystery

Maybe all lives are just a series of scenes
where you get a perfect shot once every two hours
and it never stays the same
you just become the main character of a new frame.

I found it....I FOUND IT!  Duh....it was just so easy, and yet the only thing that made it hard was my own perspective....I mean. Im not writing anyone or anything off, I just have finally figured out that there is a damn good reason that Im still alive today.  There is a damn good reason that I havent settled down, and there is a damn good reason life is good.  SImple: I was created to be here.  I am here.

Thats beautiful.  God is great.

I realized that while I say that I am afraid others will only see me as a tool or will expect me to fulfill their every need or expect me to be their other half, fill the void, empty the emptiness, the truth is I have been looking for someone and desiring someone to fill my void, to complete me....and I am complete. I am whole.  There is no need for another.

I am all I need, because I have my Maker. (and that has a positive effect on everyone in my life).

E

I was thinking about that quote I had heard that says something about how no one has power to make you feel bad or sad or happy or angry unless you give them that power.

You have a responsibility to yourself to take the power you have given someone back, when they dont respect you.

Switch that around. 

You have no power over anyone unless they give you that power. 

Does that mean you arent responsible for making someone cry, or causing someone to laugh if you did or said something directly to them?

What is my responsibility to others? 

Is it fluctuating?  The more power I know someone gives me to effect them, the more responsibility I have to that person.  Ah!  The light bulb clicks.

The more power some one gives me to influence his or her thoughts, actions, feelings, the more responsibility I have to that person.

This is easily seen in a relationship between parent and child.  The parent has an extremely high power to influence a childs thoughts and life.  If a parent doesnt take responsibility for that power, or worse, abuses that power, he or she is the sole cause of a child who has low self esteem, no backbone, depression, etc.

So it may be true that no one has the power to make you feel bad unless you give it to them, but that doesnt make you or anyone else less responsible for any power given to you by another.

Confidence can be very attractive in someone, but if a certain person's boastfulness is driving you crazy right now, try to be compassionate. Everyone else is getting their distance from this braggart, so he or she needs you more than ever. Chances are, this bravado is masking a lack of confidence. Take this person's experience as a cautionary tale, and be grateful that you have no reason to deal with similar insecurities.

MDH aka My Daily Horoscope

I have to add my two cents, because I always add my two cents.  If you dont feel like reading it, feel free to stop.  But if you do, here it goes:

You are beautiful.  I love hanging out with you and being around you.  I love hearing you laugh and spending time talking.  I love hearing your voice and offering my support and giving you my time.  Never has it felt like a burden just to know you and think about you, nor to spend time with you and send you well wishes and positivity. 

You dont have to try to get anything from me.  You dont have to try to impress me or try to make me love you.  You dont have to try to entertain me or make me laugh.  I could just sit and bask in your light.  Contemplate the silence while our souls mingle.  Even when that silence is on the phone.

You dont have to try with me. I accept and love you as you are.  And if you feel the need to protect yourself by bragging, thats ok too.  But you dont have to.  If  you should get tired of holding up the facade, you can let it down.  The magicians hands are nice, the movement is alluring, but the stillness is just as good, just as beautiful, and more true.

As you wish, dearest one.  As you wish.

Namaste

deeply scarred underneath the skin
no fresh air to heal, to breath
just more shields covering over,
felt by all but by sight unseen

synthetic air freshener cfailing to cover the rot
all windows open, and the fan blowing through
a sickening attack drops all to their knees
when the easiest thing to do
would just be to clean

I accept I accept I accept
I accept I accept I accept
I allow I allow I allow
I allow I allow I allow
I love.

Love not through word or speech, but through truth and action.

understand
nothing
There is not a simile to this feeling
not a plague, not a sickness
not a drug or an addiction

Something that is
like freckles and kisses
like God and life

understand
something
There is no antonym for these thoughts
not like black and white
not like wrong and right

Something more like
primary colors, like gray
like sunday morning and drift wood

Why must it be one or the other
Why must we have up and down
There is no happy without sad
existance is both
boundaries are imaginary

What if I proposed the concept that as there is no "linear" there is also no "cyclical".  Both are defined by language and inherited thought processes (or inherent thought processes) as required by the limited time/space that we as beings inhabit.  I would also beg to differ that it is built into our culture and language to assume the linear nature of things...Because the origins of thoughts of humanity (as recorded by the Mayan Calendar as one example) were cyclical. Life was lived around cycles of the moon etc...

What if I proposed that we as a species are not capable of undefining things that we cannot understand, so we place "words" on things in order to make them fit into a smaller box, which we divide into smaller boxes, and smaller concepts, until there is a small "piece" that we think we understand, and there is where we reside.

Its like saying the Bible is defined by "Jesus Wept" or all of Moby Dick can be summed up in "Call me Ishmael". 

I believe we are maturing as a species to encompass more of reality as it is, and not just as we believe it to be...to cancel out one option is to deny Oneness.  Perhaps to cancel out and embrace all options is to encompass Oneness.

Namaste

Suddenly, and most recently, I have been pondering the story of Jesus.  The specific lesson that has struck me is when He was 12 and left His home without permission to go to speak with some religious elders at the church.  When His mother finally found Him and scolded Him for leaving without saying a word, He said to her that He must do His Fathers work.

No one, not even His mother, the Virgin Mary, was going to get in His way to fulfilling His Fathers plan here on Earth.   Not His friends, or His mother, no one.  Because no one held higher position in Jesus' life but God.

I've thought about the way my life has gone.  The decisions I've made based on the desires of my friends and family that have, at least in the last 6 months, ended in disaster.  A battered and bruised heart, a separation from my soul and its desire to create in order to expand the thoughts of people towards a higher calling, a jail cell keeping me from my course here on Earth.

I suppose its happened for a reason.  To teach me a lesson of not allowing anyone or anything to distract me from this race.  To teach me that even those with the best intentions can end up being my worst enemy.  To also teach me that attachment and desire to please another who is not living my life, but who is watching from the sidelines, is dangerous to my walk.

I jump.  I jump with no net, and no rope to keep me from hitting the ground, and I believe that when I leap, I will fly.

And if I fall, the next time, it will not be because I looked over my shoulder at the people who love me and felt fear and so soared back to the cliff to land below where I started.  No....This time if I fall, it will be because I am gaining the speed I need to soar higher, to soar faster, and to drive my heart and soul into the heavens where my Jesus,  my God, my Universe awaits me with open arms.

With those greeting words, "Welcome, My Love"

Thats Not Love

"It aint you
no it aint me
that's not the way
Love's supposed to be

And it's no good
No it ain't right
for you to be sitting all alone
crying every night

 you're down on your knees
scared he's gonna leave
but if you really want to know
then you're gonna have to let go

Cause thats not love
Love dont feel that bad
thats not love
It don't feel that sad
no thats not love
cause you dont feel good inside
I don't know what it is
But thats not love

Inside your heart
It's always raining
and you're oh so tired
tired of your own complaining

This is for real
It aitn no game
you cant measure
your love
by the depths of your pain.

 you're down on your knees
scared he's gonna leave
but if you really want to know
then you're gonna have to let go

Cause thats not love
Love dont feel that bad
thats not love
It don't feel that sad
no thats not love
cause you dont feel good inside
I don't know what it is
But thats not love"

This morning, I was listening to this song, and faces suddenly started flashing through my memory.  Those faces of people who I love so deeply.  Those faces of people whose souls I love.  And I noticed that those faces werent accompanied by pain.  Not the kind that hurts so deep that it severs the ties of our friendship.  No these people who I love so all encompassing, I realized, could do anything, and my love wouldnt change, and though I have many times hurt for them, never have I been hurt by them.

It was an interesting realization....That they are free from any burden, but yet my light shines and baths them without any expectations...An appreciation of their soul that cannot be tainted or broken by actions, words, anything....

Of course, now (almost necessarily) Im thinking of those people I've loved that have hurt...and Im realizing that the difference was not the person, but where in my sense of self I placed their opinions, actions and words.  How much importance I allowed them on the value of who I am...In essence, how I placed on them the unfair and unfavorable right to judge my soul. 

Because that is what it is to allow someone else's actions to determine my self esteem...like being faithful, and not leaving me, and not lying, and not manipulating....But we are all human.  And how is it that one person could sleep with a nation of army men, and I would love them the same, and another could look at a girl with lust in his eye, and I hurt like Im not worth anything?

It must be some expectation I do or dont place on the people I love.

I like the former type of love.  It feels more honest and beautiful to me.  Im going to work on loving everyone that way.

Namaste'