Im silent at the moment, through these words, through my ever threatening tears, through this spin cycle, churning on high, full heat blasting from every direction to dry me out. 

Three separate lives I live, none of which I prepared for during the rest of my life, all of which have one true thing in common (me), competing for my full attention, and my dreams are on the shelf again, with the memory of someone/something great teasing me with fruition.

(Close but no cigar-not this time...we only have cancer sticks for you now)

So close....its only a matter of time...

I wish the world would catch up to my dreams.  That it would finally become aware of the triviality of that little green wad that makes the difference between entrance and denial in so many places.  Im learning the truth of Abstract lies.

I am...confused, bewildered, evolving....Working.  Uninjured, at least on the outside.  But happy in my constant movement, constant process, never ending expansion...

It was so very perfect for a moment. and that moment is this one, when memory makes the past reality again, and those precious seconds of instant by instant replay.  Yes I know I can have it again, right now, if I choose to live this moment....but you have no idea how sweet those ones were.  How alive, how fragile is the process, how frail is that gap between....

The power in anonymity for the people who ask for it....

How many times have you been told by someone you cared about "dont tell anyone"? How many times can you say that same person made you feel like you were worthless, because you had to "hide" the relationship, or "hide" your connection? How many times are you going to put up with it?

Thats what I want to ask...

You cant expect any one to respect you when they only promise to respect you when you are alone together. What does that mean? A relationship in the shadows, in the dark corners.... If a man only wants to be with you when you are alone together, he's not worth it. Tell him to get lost. You are too good for that.

YOU are worth more than that.

Get angry! GET ANGRY! I am ordering you to GET ANGRY with that person for asking you to respect yourself less. For requiring you to be silent when you want to scream your love! I am ordering you to tell that person he is a peice of shit...His body made promises that he had no intention of keeping...

Doesnt that make you ANGRY!? That he would use you? That he would take your everything that you offered for granted and make YOU feel bad about it?

Im so angry. Im angry for you. I give you permission. Its ok to feel like smacking someone. Its ok to feel like breaking someone down-especially after you have spent time in the presence of someone who knocks you down consistantly-its self preservationist.

In fact I am allowing you to get so angry that you throw something against the wall, and scream cuss words at the mother fucker for knowing what he is doing, for using and abusing the "power" he or she has. Get so angry that you realize that it wasnt you. You were great. You were worth every second, because you were REAL every second. In fact, you were worth MORE than that!

Get angry and realize what a piece of shit he is.

Also: Realize: You learned something from this experience. You learned what "those guys" look like. You learned a pattern, and if you dont get out of it now and stop it, then you will allow men like that in your life FOR YOUR WHOLE LIFE. If you dont RECOGNIZE your part in the relationship, if you dont recognize the pattern in his behavior, you are doomed to relive it over and over....

Do you really want to be miserable, do you really want to feel this BAD? Are you going to let that ASSHOLE determine your worth?

No. You arent. You are kick ass. And you are gonna be alright.

Message me if you need to.
_________________________________________________

I wrote this in response to an anonymous letter that was sent to me by a girl that is going through the end of this kind of relationship, and she finished it off with "please dont say anything"  HOW CAN I NOT???  I will not remain silent and perpetuate the problem, perpetuate the power of the one requesting it.  I will not close my eyes or turn and look away. I will not pretend. 

That letter was not the first sent to me by a girl going through what I myself have put myself through.  Im sure guys go through the same thing, but they have never spoken to me about it.  So Im sorry if this seems a bit sexist.  But the SILENCE stops WITH ME.

Nafarious Life Givers
Seek oppressive means
fear to control
and I laugh

The Labrynth survives
Most Blessed Motto
"You have no power over me"
keeps me giggling

I told you Im too tired to go out
so you see, it works, at least a little

Who will save your soul? I borrow from another
who pretends like understanding is possible

Arid Doppleganger, Acrid Anti Dote.

I want to say/write/dream/dance/live/laugh/be more.

I am more,

and I refuse to be hurt by your dismissal before there is even evidence to start to form a verdict....

What do they call that thing that isnt coincidence, but everything seems to work out in a way that is just too perfect to even describe? Synchronicity!

The fact that today is my birthday and you asked this question to all of Zaadz, makes me wonder who knows and why they would ask such a thing of me?  On this day of all days?

What do birthdays mean to me?

So 14 minutes until the end of this day, and I am posed this question (albeit in a very public way) to answer and I want to say it was a beautiful dissappointment.

Im glad to be alive.  Im grateful for this honor.  Im exhausted beyond comprehension by obligations.  I am dissappointed that I had to be so exhausted and low energy on this day.  I worked until 4 am last night, and my sisters graduation happened to fall the same day  at 12, and the combination of 16 hours of working yesterday, and 5 hours of sleep has left me in a haze that has done nothing but exasperate me all day.  It is JUST ME not having the energy to do anything else.  I wanted to be selfish and not go to her college graduation.  I wanted to sleep in and have the energy today to enjoy myself in every moment early into tomorrow.  I want to not feel bad for even being selfish enough to want to write this little gremlin piece of literature, this egocentric display-but I do.

I cried this morning because I wanted so badly to feel like I was on top of the world, and couldnt.  Maybe its because a car accident started my year, followed by a trial of the heart (thats still ongoing if you wish to know), homelessness, restlessness, a couple low paying jobs that take up 80 hours of my week, and the feeling like I should be somewhere else that I cant be.

I was looking forward to this day to pamper me.  I had set aside this day to spend with myself, in my own presence, surrounded only by those things I wanted around me, enjoying just the breath in my lungs, the movement of my toes- to be a meditation on being alive.  To indulge in the Love of Living.

7 more minutes to enjoy this day.  7 more minutes and a long beautiful bummer will be over and I can fall into a pillow and sleep.

What do birthdays mean to me?  I dont know.  Im not sure I learned the lesson of this one well enough yet.

Solid form slowly melting as the rotating earth speeds up and heats up
creating liquid slowly achingly from complete immobility...
Objects at rest tend to stay at rest....
None at rest, ever at rest,
Then these moments would never end

Yesterday was a year ago
A year ago was yesterday
Today will be yesterday, a year ago soon....

I hope light and love are on your way
I hope you find your path
I'm sending you my strength today
in case you're on your last
Theres not a day you dont cross my mind
and I wonder where you are
And even though I dont know where
I know you're shining like a star

I hope you're laughing right out loud
I hope your obstacles are few
I know you're standing tall and proud
surrounded by people who love you

I know one day should our paths cross
You'll greet me warmly with an infamous hug
and that great big smile that fills the room
Like fire, like sunlight, like love.

Well, not really...Im not thinking about paper, nor will I talk about my thoughts on the issue of paper more than to say, we should use less of it and recycle more of it....

I had a moment yesterday in between distracting myself with work and distracting myself with a movie, that gave me a glimpse of the wall that has been coming between my "pen" and my "self", during which I wrote a brief expose....on what else could it be, but myself?

so...here it is, nothing special, but written with "The most selfish thing a person can be is selfless" playing in the background:

By loving and accepting and forgiving myself, and everyone else, I am doing the same for God.  The little problem I have is that something is holding me back from commiting to this truth fully.

Im blocked.
There is a wall between my pen and my emotions
I cant even feel myself to my own satisfaction
There is none in being alone.

But on the other hand
I dont spend the time that is required
to enjoy my self or begin to enjoy my self.

Why is attachment wrong?
Because it hurts.

Why does attachment hurt?
Because by its nature it places things in time-which is destructive.  Attachment is finite, and that which we are attached to is sure to end-thus causing us pain.

What is wrong with hurting?
Accepting pain is the act of rejecting wholeness/holiness while denying pain is the denial that we are separated from God.  There is less pain the less separated from the Whole that we are.

If we are separate from God, then it is His choice that we are...but we have free will, so we are separated by our own choice....

By loving and accepting ourselves, we love and accept God.

We are separate from God by CHOICE>both His is ours is His is Ours-Mine is His is Mine.

He LONGS to be close to Me, as I LONG to be close to Him.

Wholeness....

But there is something wrong with Non-attachment.  I can feel it.  There is something insensitive and fake about not attaching yourself to some energy that touches you deeply.  It strikes an off chord with me. 

I think that it is not "nonattachment" that is the plateau to reach...I think it is "all-attachment"-  Appreciation, Love, Respect, and Joy in EVERYTHING continually....

You taught me so much
How to open my heart and be vulnerable
I didn't know
I was so young.

I didnt know that I would leave you
and with the purest intentions
be fed upon by wolves.

Do I blame the wolves for their hunger?
Do I blame myself for my lack of defense?

I thought you werent the only one
who wasnt hiding behind sheeps clothing.

But it turned out
that acknowledgement of perfection
(perhaps I am too generous)
acceptance of grace
(optimistic me)
and desire for honesty
(oh the lies we tell ourselves)
are the rarest of traits
with the most common doppleganger.

My name misses the way it tastes in your mouth
and my laughter the way it feels in your hand
My body wants to relive the way it sounds to your ears
and my love, the way it feels on your skin.

your sitting on the other side of this screen
in denial, in distraction, in half thought out schemes
that end up dropping you (or you drop them, if you like)
but either way, over and forgotten
before the sun sets on another day.

And Im underwhelmed and overwhelmed
by your perfect imagination,
your perfect evasion of anything deeper
than inches deep.
I wish myself capable of pretending
that real cruelty was idle conversation.

How can I be mad?
When your soul revealed itself as so much more fragile
than originally thought....
Or thats the truth I choose to believe
the hope that keeps me afloat....

Nothing entices like the promise of connection
the description of attaching my deepest parts
to yours.....

Nothing awakens like imagining the energies
we both pour in, braiding themselves into bonds,
grasping eachother not for desperation, but for desire.

Our bodies could attempt the rhythmic twine,
could dance its bondage to the length of chain.
Skin pushing against the walls,
until we come apart again.

But never the other without the one.

So, I was following links and I suppose I wasnt too surprised to come across something that made me think barely a few clicks into my little web surf.  Very quickly, I came across a potent blog by Dave at http://dave.zaadz.com/  called "Pure Desire Feels Good To You" (http://dave.zaadz.com/blog/2006/8/pure_desire_feels_good_to_you ).  Besides being a kick ass article, I read the comments, as I almost always do, and found this by the ever insightful Jake http://jake.zaadz.com in response:

"The thing is - emotions, feelings, desires - are never, and should never be repressed or denied. They should be unquestionably accepted - they are a representation of the form we take as human animals with minds, perhaps spirits, souls or connections to the divine.

To deny our form and the resulting limitations and effects of being in these forms brings us no closer to happiness or enlightenment, even if we sit 23 1/2 hours a day and refrain from looking at the opposite sex and live a life of total simplicity.

One of the truths I've accepted is that the sword of understanding - the sword of Dharma - can be used to cut through our bullshit quite effectively... but it's equally effective as a weapon against ourselves if we decide to use it in such a way.

That space between a desire, an emotion, a feeling, and an action should be filled with acceptance of what is, followed by skillful choice. Using that time to refute that we even feel such a thing - that's like playing with very sharp knives."

My niece has been going through a mid-mid life crisis.  She feels guilty when she feels bad, and she feels bad ALL THE TIME.  This whole crisis has led to some amazing conversations between herself and I.  Being a very religious person, and well worth the while, she told me of her daily talks with God.  She speaks with him on her 40 minute walk home.  Though I notice now that these talks with God havent helped relieve the depression that plagues her, she told me this, "I asked God why I feel so bad when every one around me wants me to be happy and I just cant be.  I heard him say, 'Dont you think that I know how you are feeling? I have created you this way.  When you were being formed, you asked me to be given patience and generosity.  This was your request.'"

I have been trying to help her understand that its ok to not feel happy all the time.  By trying to force joy-not only does it come out that way-as forced and fake- but it also makes her feel guilty for NOT actually being joyful. 

But now I see the other side of the coin.  I shouldnt feel bad for wanting, desiring, enjoying, or feeling.  Denying feeling, whether good or bas, is denying those things that make me human-and it doesnt feel good....

Those feelings, the ones that feel like accepting them is playing with fire and gasoline, cannot be anything but accepted and should not be assigned a negative or positive position in the evaluation of self worth.  It is in that place that the knives come out to play.

Allowing myself to feel the very extent of the feeling, to enjoy and allow it to embody my spirit for the time that it does, without guilt or negativity is the best thing I can do for my soul. 

And the best way to honor and give joy to the God that created me this way....

Doesnt that just make things simpler?  Not only can I feel GOOD, but I dont have to wonder if what Im feeling is wrong or different or sinful.  I can feel BAD and not worry that Im not taking joy in something.

I hope everyone takes advantage of the resources of positivity and enlightenment that is here on Zaadz....Thanks for reading.

Love love love.

Erika

Have you ever been out to some serious grown up place-like the bus, or a restaurant, or the grocery store, and you notice a child there with their mother or a nanny or something, but thier guardian is sort of not really paying attention to them-I mean for sure they have a hand on the child, but the parent/person is mid transaction, or eating, or something along those lines..

And you make a face?  A funny face...like maybe stick your tongue out, and then smile? or you cross your eyes and uncross them?  Maybe you jump behind the nearest pillar when the child looks your way (they almost always do-children rarely miss anything).

You make a complete fool out of yourself to anyone who would be considered mature that happens to catch you, but you're reward is at worst, a strange curiosity in the child that makes them continue to scrutinize that grown up is making funny faces, and at best a delightful impromptu peek-a-boo and joyful giggling that lasts until our ways are parted, or the parent (blessedly) takes over the game...

And with a smile and a wave goodbye, you send positive energy their way as you walk away.

That is my favorite game.  It never fails to bring a smile to my face or a skip to my walk. =)

I dont think that they started since childhood, but you never know....

Alrighty...this isnt what this entry was supposed to be about...This entry was supposed to be about my part in my own floundering.  I am trying to take ownership-for the relationships that have meant the world to me, yet I have walked away from or started with the promise of walking away...

Its funny because a friend of mine recently mirrored a phrase that I myself have claimed to be true recently:  "everyone leaves or I leave"  Well..what is there left to do? Stay?  But even the staying is temporary, at least in the physical sense of the word.  The only place its possible to stay is in my memories, or yours, or in the spiritual sense, where our souls meet and communicate.

Anyway, Ill finish more later to this little blog, but heres the poem that came out:


I cant see myself in your eyes if you are too close. 
Touching nose to nose and trying to see your whole face...
yeah, a little difficult to do,
and all the colors bleed
and I get lost in the blur,
the intensity.

In that gaze, your hands pass me from one to the other
swirling me around, without attention paid
to the tricks you are playing with me.
The dangerous games you lead me through
all I see is the blur of movement in my peripheral
but nothing gains my attention,
Still trying to make sense of the
mayhem this juxtaposition supplies.

You will leave, the question is when
You will dissappear, and pop in and out
0f memories, like subliminal messages
in the old time movies that made
men want to join the army and
women think all they could do
was lay like dead fish.

what apparitions are these that break me 
And cause euphoria to conspire with diss ease,
crumbling down walls that arent meant to fall,
 yet the enemy does not approach...
does not come near, does not retreat....

sequestered fires burning there on the horizon, 
unrelenting, ceaseless, merciless
my trepidation releasing from exhaustion....
into resolution
come spear me, I fear not

for what hell could await me when the battle field with in is raging more wildly than any that could without