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August 2008 
Ludicrous Fears
Posted on Mar 14th, 2007
by 
Stella Luna
Stella Luna
Hypochondria: Psychology:
1a: An obsessive preoccupation with ones health, usually focused on some particular symptom, such as cardiac or gastric problems.
1b: Read: Erika Bracy aka Stella Luna
ah...the sweet taste of recognition-the glorious response to education! The absolutely painful realization that I put myself through hell for nothing. EVERY TIME. Its amazing that such a person as I believe myself to be-normally level headed, and reasonable, has such innane fears when it comes to the subject of my health...
Perhaps it is the religious upbringing-that constant droning in my mind that repeats in the background no matter how far away I have been from the source (or how long for that matter) that says there are consequences for having fun, there are consequences for not following the rules to the letter, there are consequences for thinking for yourself, there are consequences, and you are going to get whats coming to you! that keeps me in an almost constant state of tension when someone mentions health, or when a commercial comes on about health, or when I open a newspaper and the cover story is about health (its EVERYWHERE).
Sin is the reason for death...so it stands to reason that because I have sinned so much I am at the top of the list for that dark coated life taker...he's after me next, right? And he's coming to me in the most painfully drawn out way-a way that effects every one I know and have known and will know for a long time (or at least three months-depending on which disease he decides to visit upon me).
I dont even stress out when I have blood drawn anymore because Im so sure they are going to take me in the back room, sit me down and say, "you are going to die", that I have accepted it. A defeatest attittude that has yet to be right. I have yet to be diagnosed with anything besides an overimaginative defeatest attittude-and that one is self described.
Its laughable. Its undeniably rediculous. Its like shooting myself in the foot because I cant stand not worrying about some affliction-everytime.
"I cant move forward with my life, because I dont know yet if I have a life to move forward with" (who does know?).
I want to slap myself sometimes: SNAP OUT OF IT, ERIKA! You are retarded! The healthiest person the doctor has met in a long time-and you STILL smoke (yeah I know, I said I was quitting)! What is wrong with me! If I do die before Im 30 (which I have been known to tell people was going to happen), it will be because I didnt notice the truck I just stepped in front of because I was worried that the pain in my toe is some flesh eating virus!
Hell is fear. Perhaps I will put myself through so much hell while Im alive, that God will take pity on this imbecile and admit me to heaven based on that (after I die of old age)!
Well here it is for all of you to see-out in the open. I am afraid to die. And in that I miss the living.
And today, and for every time I have ever gone through the stresses of such things, I have affirmation that my worrying is in vain (at least when it comes to my physical health). That my only affliction is in my head-and always has been. And though Im happy about that (for the 20th time in the last 12 months), Im angry with myself for doing this to me over and over and over again.
Ah...well it was good to get that out. Im going for a walk now....Maybe Ill run into a psychiatrist's office along the way....LMAO
Stella
1a: An obsessive preoccupation with ones health, usually focused on some particular symptom, such as cardiac or gastric problems.
1b: Read: Erika Bracy aka Stella Luna
ah...the sweet taste of recognition-the glorious response to education! The absolutely painful realization that I put myself through hell for nothing. EVERY TIME. Its amazing that such a person as I believe myself to be-normally level headed, and reasonable, has such innane fears when it comes to the subject of my health...
Perhaps it is the religious upbringing-that constant droning in my mind that repeats in the background no matter how far away I have been from the source (or how long for that matter) that says there are consequences for having fun, there are consequences for not following the rules to the letter, there are consequences for thinking for yourself, there are consequences, and you are going to get whats coming to you! that keeps me in an almost constant state of tension when someone mentions health, or when a commercial comes on about health, or when I open a newspaper and the cover story is about health (its EVERYWHERE).
Sin is the reason for death...so it stands to reason that because I have sinned so much I am at the top of the list for that dark coated life taker...he's after me next, right? And he's coming to me in the most painfully drawn out way-a way that effects every one I know and have known and will know for a long time (or at least three months-depending on which disease he decides to visit upon me).
I dont even stress out when I have blood drawn anymore because Im so sure they are going to take me in the back room, sit me down and say, "you are going to die", that I have accepted it. A defeatest attittude that has yet to be right. I have yet to be diagnosed with anything besides an overimaginative defeatest attittude-and that one is self described.
Its laughable. Its undeniably rediculous. Its like shooting myself in the foot because I cant stand not worrying about some affliction-everytime.
"I cant move forward with my life, because I dont know yet if I have a life to move forward with" (who does know?).
I want to slap myself sometimes: SNAP OUT OF IT, ERIKA! You are retarded! The healthiest person the doctor has met in a long time-and you STILL smoke (yeah I know, I said I was quitting)! What is wrong with me! If I do die before Im 30 (which I have been known to tell people was going to happen), it will be because I didnt notice the truck I just stepped in front of because I was worried that the pain in my toe is some flesh eating virus!
Hell is fear. Perhaps I will put myself through so much hell while Im alive, that God will take pity on this imbecile and admit me to heaven based on that (after I die of old age)!
Well here it is for all of you to see-out in the open. I am afraid to die. And in that I miss the living.
And today, and for every time I have ever gone through the stresses of such things, I have affirmation that my worrying is in vain (at least when it comes to my physical health). That my only affliction is in my head-and always has been. And though Im happy about that (for the 20th time in the last 12 months), Im angry with myself for doing this to me over and over and over again.
Ah...well it was good to get that out. Im going for a walk now....Maybe Ill run into a psychiatrist's office along the way....LMAO
Stella
Access: Public
Sin is the reason for death - I am not trying to tell you how to think, but do you imagine that those who sin less live longer? Irrespective of how “virtuously” you live your life your body will die.
This doesn't mean you shouldn't quit smoking but quit because of the well-understood health risks.
I know, I was talking out of the brainwashing of the religion I grew up in…The same destructive voice saying “you fell so you get to be punished” I know that its not true-and that virtue has naught to do with longevity (obviously Christ died at 33). I dont believe it, and Im trying to get it out of my subconscious, so I can live free. =) Thank you for your concern.
But, on a biblical note-adam and eve were sent out of the garden of eden and into time and consequently death after the first sin…so Biblically, Death is the direct result of sin.
The content of this entry is my biggest fear. The one I dont tell anyone, because for fear if I let it escape my lips, it will be true…So its the one I bury the deepest.
In this entry, Im exposing my own deepest fear to rid it of the power it has over me. Thats why this was written. To expose my inner doubt and call it out for what it is-nothing but fear with no grounding in truth at all-and hopefully with my eyes open now, grow into myself all the more, and into consciousness all the more.
I'm not an expert on the bible and don't intend on being one but it could be suggested (with dogmatic vehemence no less) that Jesus died young because he took on the sins of the world.
Or … simply because he felt his work was done.
Your entry definitely indicates you laughing at yourself and the things you have been told to believe and I picked up on this, but I thought I'd say what I said anyway.
Now about that smoking habit … :)
yeah, so our sin even caused Jesus's death…but, actually, you are right..Since Jesus died for ALL sin, past, present and future, then Im not subject to the rules of death. At least not spiritual death. And life after death last quite a bit longer than life before death…so…Either way, I shouldnt worry, and since I know I have a clean slate, I will work my hardest to keep it that way, and still enjoy life.
Which, if I involve my emotional health in the equation, is by protection and reverence for the gifts I recieve.
Erika yer words are always killer. I came to the same realization yesterday when I almost died and, upon reflection, notice that I didn't wince.
death is not the end, just as birth is not the beginning.
Thank you Bob! Im glad that you enjoyed…And that you resonate…
much love, and much respect,
E
My friend, I can so relate to you on this one. Last week I had an interesting realization about my fears of death. I realized that I was operating under the idea that I should have more control over things in my life, more like more control over how I cope with things. And then I realized that it was that expectation of needing control that was creating anxiety for me and that I had to just accept that everything I was experiencing was ok. So on one hand, I totally understand your acknowledgment that sometimes your fears are “ridiculous” (to quote you) but I also think that they are ok. We can talk all we want about death and our beliefs about it but I think what’s most important (for me anyway) is the feeling of fear. Our intellectualizing over the topic will do little good. It seems to me to be more of a “feeling” experience. Hats off to you for letting this out in the open. As always, you show true courage.