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August 2008 
I;eye:aye
Stella Luna
Who do you go to when you need confirmation of your existence?
Who do you ask when the night is at its darkest?
Who do you turn to when the questions piled high have no answers that you can concieve, no solution that you can assertain?
Who is your stronghold?
I recieved a call tonight.
My best friend wracked with guilt that he could not change the universe to fit his beauty.
Im torn.
Blessed by the gift he has given me. Broken by the heart that is his broken.
I am. His answer to these questions is me. The greatest gift ever given to me is his trust: His absolute trust that I have some answer that calms his soul in this: his darkest hour before the dawn. Loved while his shattered pieces remain scattered among the universe of contradiction and paradox.
The more that I reread all the entries of this blog, the more I see a pattern...the premonition-the buildup, the fall...each proceeding the next-signs at the impending hope-the impending doom...Its amazing. Its calming....Understanding that if I can read the signs correctly, the outcome-the next action-the next happenstance, is nothing more than a reaction to the current event-predictable. That I would be built to my highest hieghts, when those I love dearest fall to a destruction-that I would fall to my lowest points, after those who love me have been fortified...
What greater argument for the existance of God/Love/Higher Power/Universal Intent can there be than that? That we are created, and going through things to effect eachother, and to drive LIFE higher and higher to enlightenment and peace? What greater conviction can there be, then that those I hold dearest need me when I am at my greatest, and I need them when they are at their greatest-with the truth sustaining throughout that we NEED eachother at all times.
We need eachother because we love eachother. How much simpler can it get? How much more convincing do you need?
Who is yours?
I am here, if you need. To love.
Access: Public
Stella Luna, Gorgeous!…. i am stunned and buoyed by your expose on love which I have <chuckle in delight> experienced as well. The dance (or “lifeguarding”) of inter-connectedness…. divine indeed ;-) Big love back to you!
What a sweet and tender way to see our connectedness. I love it. It helps me to accept that I am sometimes in the “needing support” role and other times in the “support” role. And its all for the highest good of all- for the journey to enlightenment! Love it! Thanks Erika!
Love,
Nicole
I go to myself - I am my own stronghold. Very rarely will I turn to others in a dark moment as its been my experience that others will often choose that moment to take advantage of perceived weakness. And on a less cynical note, I find that my self-reliance gives me a strength and determination that most people can't parallel.
Is it that most people cannot parallel it, or that you decide not to trust anyone to? I think you will find that when you let people in, they let you in…But then again, it is very nice to be like the rock-impenatrable, and unbreakable-no one has any power over you then.
I am sorry that you have met those who take advantage of you in weakness. I know I have met those who exploited my weaknesses too-that as a result I decide not to let anyone else in-to be like a rock-to let the scar heal stronger than before, to make my skin impenitrable. But now, it makes me realize that I just need to be more careful about who I choose to trust. I need to be more picky, and test their intention more, before they get a chance to get in. The past has made me realize that not everyone I come in contact with will connect with me, and arent meant to connect with me-a hard lesson to learn when I believe so much in interconnectedness.
My friend that I speak of in this blog has taken my tests and passed with flying colors…and over and over again he passes, requiring nothing more of me than I am willing to give. I trust him at my most vulnerable, at my weakest to put my needs before his own, just as I put his before my own.
I accept that this is a rare condition-a rare relationship, a rare person, and those are hard to find-but they are out there. I just wanted to share that-to spread hope of what is possible-so that it doesnt die.
He is not my soulmate, but he is my soul's friend…and perhaps the latter is harder to find than the former.
Let's just say that I got to where I am today through a series of lessons learned. I was not always so untrusting.
These days, I trust neither easily nor fully. I view trust as a sort of pie – the people I bother to let into my life have a piece of that pie in one size or another. So far no one has ever gotten the full thing – complete trust. I was ready to open up completely to the one person who had gotten the largest piece of the pie but at a certain point it became apparent that he couldn't handle the stories I had to tell and that being completely open wasn't a viable possibility. And so I opted for silence instead, which is a good fallback and relatively uncomplicated. Maybe someday I will find someone who can handle having my complete trust but I'm content to not push it for the moment.
I guess what I'm saying is I *do* trust. In fact I am pretty open even with complete strangers. But there is also a line that I know better than to let 99% of the world get past.
I find though that even with those I am closest to and trust, I am often better off to keep my own counsel when it comes to dealing with problems. I still have hope of someday finding someone that I can be totally honest with. I do know it's out there.
Ah…I see…Very wise, Sara. I understand…Strangers can often handle truth better than friends, because they are emotionally removed from the situation-the outcome. Its easy to be open with strangers, and not generally detrimental-because if you never talk to them again, so what?
And in truth, Addam is a rarity, like I said. Our friendship is a rarity. Words mean nothing, Actions speak louder than words- but actions, when accompanied by words, change lives. He is one of the few people I know whose actions match his words more so much more than not. But there are real men out there.