This drop
clearly in front
ends in drowning
begins with one word
"..."

Made again
to stop the train
from going anywhere
better than the place we are
"..."

Mr. Mesistopheles
come exasperate me
twirling, whirling, nonsensical amusement
"..."
Dont stop now.

I      silently       fall       from       here

    this       wont        make                me                                dissappear
                            and                                                        now


the memory                                              fades of me in arms
  that           arent                          mine


laughing.                     ironically                   at the absurdity
         of           life


of     people.....



                                           of            myself....

I was listening today to the radio that was talking about a test that measures self centeredness.  The higher the score, the more self centered the person is...Im not sure how large the study group was that participated in the study, but the results were that 75% of the college students that took the test scored high...As in 75% of the colelge students that took the test were self centered...

They called this "the New Generation of the Self Centered".  Perhaps that is the key to change then...to influence the Self-centered masses in a way that they are encouraged to believe that by changing their behavior to benefit the Earth, they are actually benefitting themselves.. which shouldnt be hard-because its true.

How then to believe in interconnectedness when the masses believe that they are islands? Islands!  How can anyone adhere to such a notion??

Are we not both, the island and the ocean?  The Continent and the sky?  If I leave a can on the beach-is it not there for you to pick up once I am long gone for the day?  If I throw used oil in the street, does it not wash down to the ocean for you to swim through?  If I eat shark fin soup, is that not one less close encounter for you to have?  And of course, I am using the ocean as an example because it is my life's love.  But there are other natural beauties that you would protect, is there not?

If I went camping in your forest, and left my trash for you to find, would you not be angry?  To find trash in a place where there should be nothing but nature?  To find roads in a a place where cars should not go?  They were left by someone to be found by another?  Is that not evidence of our lasting effects on those things we come in contact with....

But perhaps I digress.  Perhaps I preach to the chior.

There is not a place in this country where unconscious living doesnt affect.  The fact that LA is still not saavy on public transportation effects the gas prices of NY, and the pollution of the country. 

Nay, we are not islands.  I refuse to believe that we run this race alone...because although we finish the race alone, we run it beside, in front of and behind eachother...coming into intimate contact with some, and just a nod from others....

Never underestimate your effect.  Because God may be using you for something you will never know about.

Im worth more
than your lies and
your sounding board
worth more than a mirror
that reflects your beauty

Im reactive and caring
while you sustain your distance
the past inflating
your ego

While mine is flat.

Im worth more
than expendable shit
and the treatment of a slave
whipped in perfection
abused in production

Im trustworthy and loving
while you backstab and risk
everything we had
for a joke

While I revel.

These dirty actions
marring the universe
with guilt ridden proverbs
of transgressions,
of disloyalty

Im naive in my sacrifice
believing I could save
what is truly sacred
to Love

while you laugh.

Or expose them to the good, the bad and the ugly?  Do I keep from them the anger?  Or show them, in a way of saying "I trust you to handle this"?  Do I hold my tongue, when God has bade me "speak" so as not to disturb the delicate balance of some who would have me silent?

what dichotomy...when I know my God would forgive when the some would not...To disobey such a command...would be the end for some, but another beginning-another trial from my God...Is it not easier to forsake God than forsake our fellow human being-when that fellow human being is the one who would discipline immediately and God's discipline is delayed?  Immediately ten lashings? or eventually eternity?

In those words the choice is easy, but in the realm of feelings-obscured by desires...what a cunnundrum. What absolute treachery?  The sea of emotion almost impassable! Unnavigatable!  Oh that I should not be victim of such mess!

And what a horrible circumstance to be the knights fighting "in the name of God" when God should want PEACE!  What horrible truth to be the man that God makes an example out of!  What "NOT TO DO!", He says!  Oh not for me! I say....Lead me to your Tower, Lord that I may never offend....Cut out my tongue that I may never disobey!  Thwart my actions that I may never inherit the realm of wickedness!  Oh Light the way that I may expose! and lead to light! those lost!

what delicate balance....

So much fun when you have dreams that mean absolutely nothing, but involve fantastical creatures like vampires and unicorns!  So very fun.  I had such a great ride last night, swimming through canals to sneak past opposition, pretending to be a vampire to trick them into revealing secrets, flying over the city, falling in love (I absolutely love when I fall in love in a dream) and amazingly, all the men in my dream, and women were extremely attractive with amazing personalities...well at least interesting personalities....I didnt really want to wake up this morning.  That was just too much fun!

May you all enjoy dreams of fantastical nature tonight!

Much love
Me

I cannot be anything but honest
I cannot intentionally decieve
though at times I hold back my truth
so as to save another
unless they require it of me
I cannot tell you lies
I will find truth if need be
in as many situations as God will reveal
fair or not to me

I prefer truth to lies
honesty to manipulation
Love to hate
and self revelations to denial

There is no I and in that truth
I am you. 
I know you already
though perhaps not your exact experiences
I know what you hide
cause you hide it in me
the truth you deny
that you see in me
is the truth you deny
in yourself

I will not be loving anyone else
because there is no one else to love
and that is just the negative half of the
opposite expression

I observe myself
to find out your truth

perhaps too many words
to express
what Im trying to say

I thank Love
for all

Namaste

I was told to leave behind the dark
and move into the light
to never stand in a shadow
but allow the sun to blind my sight

I thought this was a good idea
and started moving to the front of the line
out of the dark corners
where the sun could not shine

I walked for miles to the east,
but seemed every where I turned
there was someone walking in front of me
casting thier darkness on my form

so I stopped moving again
searching everywhere that light could hide
until the last place to turn my gaze
was only a place on the inside

I turned my attention to my heart
and its incandescence glowed
the gleaming soul so well loved
not a shadow did it hold

The heart of love, more abundant of life
holding even all the sea
and all of humanity in that place:
the Light inside of me.

_______________________

I think this isnt finished yet...I keep rereading it and thinking there is more that I want to say but Im missing the words at the moment...If you come up with something, go ahead and add it in my comments-then for sure you will get proper credit for it. =)  Love me

God has blessed me with freckles.  All over my body.  Sometimes I think that I have as many freckles on my body as there are stars in the sky-that whole constellations could be found on my skin for an astrologer to find should he have the desire to map them out.  They are my own, each placed perfectly, sometimes in clutters and sometimes just a single one alone on the plane of my abdomen.  I love them now.  As I have not always loved them...

They are me, and not only constellations are mapped here on my skin-my life story is here.  The freckle on my chin that my dad tried to scrub off when I was a child, mistaking it for dirt.  The freckles on my back memorized by the fingers of a lover, cherished as I could not, because they are out of my sight.  The ones scattered across my face, reflected back in the mirror, my staple of God's eternal love written right here for all to see.

My individuality in a place I cannot hide, I would not hide if I could.  May you see the same in your skin.

I have been way too serious on this thing, and I think its about time to lighten up!  Scream and shout a little, laugh at old jokes, and make new ones.


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

just a little sick of myself, you know-I laugh all the time!  ALL THE TIME, and all you guys ever get is this serious love sappy Erika. Well enough!  Im done, finito, le fin,  ...thats why I put the picture of my rear end up-not only does it look good in those pants (I would hit it ;) but I plan on making a huge ass out of myself for the next couple of days...because damnit-I have a huge ass (at least it look huge if you click on it-I mean you have to use the sliders to get the whole thing in)!

And Im not talking about the ironic laughter, when something happens, and its only funny cause Im me, and I laugh at insane things.  I mean like "a man walked into a bar and said 'ouch'" stuff- you know-Rolling on the floor laughing kinda shiznit.

unfortunately, nothing really funny has happened to me lately...nothing.

I have been boring, unsophisticated, lacksadaisical, stressed and altogether NO FUN AT ALL!!!  I would really like to go out to a club and go dancing with someone-shake off all the bad energy and shake in the good stuff...unfortunately, being in this bubble that Im living in has not afforded me the social contact required to meet people that would like to do those things.  Im couped up at my dad's with no car and though Im 24, I have a midnight curfew, and having been out of the area for pretty much 5 years, everyone I used to know doesnt remember me, has moved away, or doesnt have a car to come pick me up....or reminds me very much of Eeyore from Winnie the pooh-not much fun for dancing.

I know Im whining...and boredom is a state of mind...BUT IM GOING STIR CRAZY and I have to sit in it and deal with it, cause I cant seem to get my head around other options.

I will wash your bathroom!  I will clean your house from top to bottom!  I will teach your kids how to sing and entertain them all day! I will do anything!  I'll sleep in your guest bedroom and wake you up every morning for work with a song from Sound of Music, or Metallica, and Ill do laundry...or scrub the floors, or spend every waking minute writing or singing, or learning to play an instrument, and dancing...I just need a car...and a roof over my head that isnt my dad's...and maybe my own bedroom...I dont know...free food is good too.  Ill get a job after I get there and contribute to the rent, but right now, I only have enough money to get there, and thats about it.

Any takers???

=-)

Where would I be without the help of my friends?  What kind of sorry mistake for a human being would I be if I didnt have the love of others to keep me on my feet, or put me back there after I have fallen?  How could I look in the mirror each day or put a picture up of my ass, because I believed I was ugly or not worthy a second glance (and of course thats just the surface, but why not)?  What kind of person would I be if every day some one told my I was worthless, a piece of excrement, not worth the dust on the back fender of the car driving away?

Ill tell you exactly where I would be.  I would be on the streets selling what I have for a price far below the worth of my spirit.  I would probably have a couple kids right now, because I didnt care enough to protect myself against such things.  I would be a stripper or a drug addict.  I would be a waste of space as a human being, lower than the low, hated even by myself, believing I wasnt even worth that self deprication.

But I have been lucky, and loved.  Held up by men and women who refused to allow me to believe that I was worthless.  Loved by people even when they didnt understand the reasons for my actions, encouraged and supported by people whether I encourage and support them or not in return, because without them I would be nothing.  Given the love I need to give others the love they need- by God's grace. 

Thats why they say birds of a feather flock together-when you surround yourself with people who dont care, or are surrounded by people that dont care about themselves or you, then you believe you are worthless.

Thats why I think Zaadz is a step in the right direction-here is a community of positive loving REAL people, who think and feel and embrace their place in this life that is the encouragement and love of the human spirit, which is so important in today's world.  Can a man forever resist the temptations of his own lust, if he has people around him that are constantly telling him to "hit that shit"?  Can a woman believe she is worth more than an easy lay if there is no one around to tell her how precious her personality is? 

Sure.  But how much easier is it when you have someone with you every step of the way, going through the same temptations, and fighting for the same cause of love and value?  Thats not wrong.  To depend on another person to help you when you fall is relationship, and to be there for someone else to depend on when they fall is relationship, and if relationship wasnt important, then you would be the only person on this planet.

I encourage everyone to love themselves-to shine brightly and give others the permission and positivity they need to shine, whether they can handle looking at thier soul's beauty in the mirror or not...Because that recognition of each others worth, and your own, causes what I like to call (and the Bible as well) the Golden Rule.

Now I know...Now I know why I have fought against definition my whole life-being confined to a little box of what I can do because I happen to have a little box...I reject it.  I reject the idea that there are limits and edges to my soul-my capabilities...

Why couldnt God do anything with me that He wanted?  Im on a kick right now-a kick that says "I will not be pushed down by your little mind".  I will not be oppressed by your 50s mentality.

This is 2007, not the stone age where woman were stuck in the kitchen barefoot.  Friggin EVOLVE people.  What limits are there on a PERSON of any gender, race, orientation, that cannot be OVERCOME simply by THOUGHT???  This is precisely why I dont spend alot of time here in my father's house.

It makes me unbearably angery at the whole male population for the few that continue to perpetuate the problem by believing women are "made" for certain things and therefore incapable of doing other things.

Yes, I want to flow with the world around me.  I want to fit into my natural place in the WORLD not society- there is a difference.  Screw Society-thats the corrupt church which condemns and judges...No I want to be part of the SOUL.  Not a person in society but a molecule-a white blood cell-of the body.

And I am, no matter what.  It is perspective, and perspective does not change reality- merely reveals the place from where the person is seeing, creating an accurate picture of the things they describe from there...

We will march forward, fulfilling our rightful place to the glory of God, lifting up all humans equally-the reason this country was created IN THE FIRST PLACE...

I am no one's possession but God's. But I belong to everyone in the relationship we share.

I revert to those women who started the liberation movement when I am back here.  Fighting battles in a war already won... I refuse to participate.  I will live my life.  And LOVE and not judge-as it is not my place.

But I will be the strong person that God made me to be.  I will believe in truth and justice, peace and love.  I will continue to believe, despite the rampant evidence against it, that change is happening.  And I will continue to be the change I want to see in the world.

These last two days have stuffed me fat, like a thanksgiving turkey, with food and love, hoping and praying against insanity that the overabundance I have eaten over the past weekend will not stay, will shed itself like water from a towel, and the love will sustain me until my next fix.  I laugh at the improbability, but tomorrow because I have my fill of love, I have the will to swim.   Tomorrow, my old friend, and parent to my favorite children in the world,  will take me to the gym with her, and I will flow through the water as long as it takes before she comes back from her run, and I will feel blood again pumping through this body that I have kept in a box for the last month or more, choosing lack of food over movement as the means to remain likeable to myself...

Well not really a choice.  More like a revulsion of anything that could cause me to gain...the very smell of food enough to make me nauscious (sp)-sheer will power the only thing making me put anything in my mouth.  This weekend has been different...

This weekend,  I rarely even noticed things like whether I felt like eating or not-I just ate.  This weekend, I took care of the two kids that I helped raise for three years: a job that started out as a means for extra income while I was in college, and turned into a life long friendship between me and the Roberts Family. 

Those kids are my life savers.  I forgot that I was depressed.  I forgot that I was stressed.  I forgot that my love life sucks my ass.  I forgot that I missed anyone.  I forgot that I had issues. I forgot that for the first time since high school, Im down to 155 (well probably not anymore).

All I thought about this weekend, was what those kids needed and how they were feeling.  This weekend I was surrounded by the two most important people in the world to me, at least until I have my own kids, and I gained back the little weight that I had just lost.

And...I gained back my drive.

My whole body is alive.  Awake, enthralled by the energy running through it now, just hours after a long relaxing swim.  Beautiful-I feel beautiful and at peace for the first time in months, and my sex drive-damn...If only there was some release to that energy, which is sky high at the moment.

Im content to flirt for now, the innocence of that interaction much preferable to the convolution I have experienced:  the false hope of true intimacy being too much for the aftermath to recover quickly. 

The sun shines so warmly on my back, as I sit in this coffee shop, computer in my lap, smile on my lips, that beautiful ache of being used in my muscles...There could not be a better moment then this one, even if there was someone's hands on my skin.  I am in an eternal state of climax, needing nothing more than just to be.

Hope you are here with me.

Who do you go to when you need confirmation of your existence?
Who do you ask when the night is at its darkest?
Who do you turn to when the questions piled high have no answers that you can concieve, no solution that you can assertain?
Who is your stronghold?

I recieved a call tonight.

My best friend wracked with guilt that he could not change the universe to fit his beauty.

Im torn. 

Blessed by the gift he has given me.  Broken by the heart that is his broken.

I am.  His answer to these questions is me.  The greatest gift ever given to me is his trust:  His absolute trust that I have some answer that calms his soul in this: his darkest hour before the dawn.  Loved while his shattered pieces remain scattered among the universe of contradiction and paradox.

The more that I reread all the entries of this blog, the more I see a pattern...the premonition-the buildup, the fall...each proceeding the next-signs at the impending hope-the impending doom...Its amazing.  Its calming....Understanding that if I can read the signs correctly, the outcome-the next action-the next happenstance, is nothing more than a reaction to the current event-predictable.  That I would be built to my highest hieghts, when those I love dearest fall to a destruction-that I would fall to my lowest points, after those who love me have been fortified...

What greater argument for the existance of God/Love/Higher Power/Universal Intent can there be than that?  That we are created, and going through things to effect eachother, and to drive LIFE higher and higher to enlightenment and peace?  What greater conviction can there be, then that those I hold dearest need me when I am at my greatest, and I need them when they are at their greatest-with the truth sustaining throughout that we NEED eachother at all times. 

We need eachother because we love eachother.  How much simpler can it get?  How much more convincing do you need?

Who is yours?

I am here, if you need.  To love.

Hypochondria: Psychology: 

1a: An obsessive preoccupation with ones health, usually focused on some particular symptom, such as cardiac or gastric problems.

1b: Read: Erika Bracy aka Stella Luna

ah...the sweet taste of recognition-the glorious response to education!  The absolutely painful realization that I put myself through hell for nothing.  EVERY TIME.  Its amazing that such a person as I believe myself to be-normally level headed, and reasonable, has such innane fears when it comes to the subject of my health...

Perhaps it is the religious upbringing-that constant droning in my mind that repeats in the background no matter how far away I have been from the source (or how long for that matter) that says there are consequences for having fun, there are consequences for not following the rules to the letter, there are consequences for thinking for yourself, there are consequences, and you are going to get whats coming to you! that keeps me in an almost constant state of tension when someone mentions health, or when a commercial comes on about health, or when I open a newspaper and the cover story is about health (its EVERYWHERE).

Sin is the reason for death...so it stands to reason that because I have sinned so much I am at the top of the list for that dark coated life taker...he's after me next, right?  And he's coming to me in the most painfully drawn out way-a way that effects every one I know and have known and will know for a long time (or at least three months-depending on which disease he decides to visit upon me).

I dont even stress out when I have blood drawn anymore because Im so sure they are going to take me in the back room, sit me down and say, "you are going to die", that I have accepted it.  A defeatest attittude that has yet to be right.  I have yet to be diagnosed with anything besides an overimaginative defeatest attittude-and that one is self described.

Its laughable.  Its undeniably rediculous.  Its like shooting myself in the foot because I cant stand not worrying about some affliction-everytime.

"I cant move forward with my life, because I dont know yet if I have a life to move forward with" (who does know?). 

I want to slap myself sometimes:  SNAP OUT OF IT, ERIKA!  You are retarded!  The healthiest person the doctor has met in a long time-and you STILL smoke (yeah I know, I said I was quitting)!  What is wrong with me!  If I do die before Im 30 (which I have been known to tell people was going to happen), it will be because I didnt notice the truck I just stepped in front of because I was worried that the pain in my toe is some flesh eating virus!

Hell is fear. Perhaps I will put myself through so much hell while Im alive, that God will take pity on this imbecile and admit me to heaven based on that (after I die of old age)!

Well here it is for all of you to see-out in the open.  I am afraid to die.  And in that I miss the living. 

And today, and for every time I have ever gone through the stresses of such things, I have affirmation that my worrying is in vain (at least when it comes to my physical health).  That my only affliction is in my head-and always has been.  And though Im happy about that (for the 20th time in the last 12 months), Im angry with myself for doing this to me over and over and over again.

Ah...well it was good to get that out.  Im going for a walk now....Maybe Ill run into a psychiatrist's office along the way....LMAO

Stella

Endless expanse of writhing bodies
Infinity marred by the fight
determined, on a singular level
by two individuals *two billion individuals
caught in their own dance of death

My personal war
is only with you
as we struggle to determine
our loyalties:
where they lie
what that requires of us
which will need to die.

Internal battle cries
wreak havok on the souls fear
enlisting courage and love
to take over the fight
encounters
soul crushing grief
as your red
paints the earth

The wretched truth:
My soul lies with you.

It has often been hard for me to figure out when it is that "the iron is hot" or when it is "better to be safe then sorry", and it is often when I am at the point of making a decision that I recieve conflicting advice from those I love and trust most.  Clarity often comes from sources that are completely out of my realm of existance, and yet, I am encouraged and enlightened.  It is in those moments that I know the message that God speaks directly to me through that source-because someone who has no idea that I exist, nor that he or she should care that I exist and has no alterior motives nor could possibly benefit from the outcome either way has put their energy out into the world, and it has come to me.  This is what I read today by Paulo Coelho:


When to take risks
A warrior of the light, before entering an important combat, asks himself: "up to which point have I developed my skills?"
He knows that the battles fought in the past always provided him with a lesson. However, many of these teachings caused the warrior to suffer more than necessary. More than once, he wasted his time fighting for a lie.
But the victorious do not repeat the same mistake again.
A warrior cannot refuse to fight; but he also knows that he must not risk important feelings, in exchange for benefits which are not worthy of his love.
This is why the warrior only risks his heart from something worthwhile.

Im not afraid to appear as a fool. Or as a witch.  Im not afraid to fall hopelessly on my face and be hated-for I would wrather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not.   I allow that a battle for souls doesnt necessarily reflect in a positive way to the audience of the fight, as I also accept that it doesnt necessarily reflect the opposing force in a negative way-but that either way, the way I appear to the eyes of humanity is not in my hands.  I allow that there is a reason for my actions and any pain caused, and I believe that all my actions make the required impact of my Father's desires and if not, then the shells of my explosions fall harmlessly.

It is my experience that when things arent in My Lord's will, they do not happen.  And it is my experience that when things are according to God's plan, they do happen.  Regardless of the outcome past this day, I am at peace that God uses me to His glory and that those most affected will see what His will requires of them, and not what my own will desires. 

Our God is Amazing.

Wide open arms so as not to trick
must keep them spread wide
not to move

A slight breeze on this delicate balance
and this house of cards
may turn to stone

Wide arms open will not close
whether in them or not
wide open they stay

doubt not my love,
just my sense of possession
I own nothing

Life has returned to normal...well as normal as my life has ever been, anyway.  As spectacular as each moment is meant to be, Im on the road to something more interesting...Im not sure exactly where that is, and having less than $20 bucks to my name and no job, Im inclined to believe its going to gt a little harder before it gets better. 

I have moved out of my dad's house and into a studio apartment with my cousin.  Last night was the first night in a long time that my dreams made me want to stay in dream land for as long as possible.  I drempt of love and light, and warmth and safety,...Im calm.  Though I dont know whats going to happen now.

Every time someone mentions a possibility that requires a commitment longer than a couple months, I get nervous and antsy.  I think its because that commitment of work would last longer than my desire to be in the place.  I already know where I want to be, and I dont want to screw anyone over by committing to a year and then only being there for a couple of months.  Even six months is too long for me to think that right now I want to be there.  SIX!  Thats not a long time.  Not even close to a long time.  I wouldnt even commit to someone for 6 months, let alone a job. 

So why am I terrified of commitment?  I have to ask myself this question, because if Im not willing to have hard conversations with myself, who can I talk to?  I suppose the easy answer is that Im not sure what Im going to be doing in the next moment let alone in the future.  What do I want to do?  Do I have the capability of doing it? 

I want to sing.  I want to perform on stage my songs for people's entertainment and enlightenment.  I want to cowrite songs with people who are talented and open to possibilities.  I want to have my own apartment where I can have people over and play for hours on end and sing and create late into the night without having to worry about my roommates or money or anything along those lines...

And theres this little voice that says in my head "yeah right, Erika.  Get real.  Who ever gets to do what they want without worrying about money" 

Three months ago I would have said not a single thing could make it impossible for me to be where I want to be in six months.  I know where I want to go, who I want to spend my time with, who I want to create with, and why, and I would have told you that nothing was going to stop me from getting there.

I've got three more months to get there.  Three more months is the deadline I gave myself when my world fell apart to get back on my feet and get to the place that I want to be.  I can do it.  But you might not see me for a while. 

I finally am ready now to move forward.  Im going to piss some people off when I end up leaving LA, but theres nothing I can do about it.  Im only half of who I want to be when I am here, and that half is not enough to last a year.  Maybe thats part of my commitment phobia.  That I dont feel like I can do what I need to do while Im in LA when the truth is there are plenty of people here who I could work with.  Plenty of people I could write with, and plenty of people I could be with.  But then there is a difference between "good enough" and "just right" and Im not willing to settle yet.

http://allpoetry.com/poem/show/2734646

When I read the entry that is found at that address, my heart broke for her.  I do believe in miracles.  Positive energy, love, support, prayers, anything you can do to help this situation, this mother, is greatly appreciated.

I know there are millions of people out there in need of help, and prayer, of human connection and love, but here is one that I know of, and I am adding my own love and encouragement, prayers and hope to this battle-to this heart. 

Who is with me?

Erika

Too close for comfort
I must step back
or deal in the abstract

Your mirror is so clean
I can see too imperfect
Just let me go

Im not ready
you know that
Im not ready

Terrified myself of whats to see
my own image reflected back at me
focused on whats not ready I stand timidly
on the edge when its intimacy
thats direct. 

I dont want to be so scared, so open
that everyone can see-and if you can see, then who cant?
It seems like the whole world is in this conspiracy
to open me wide to see whats there to see
and Im not ready
to look yet.
not nearly ready to look.

Who knows me better than you?
Not a soul on this planet can see it all, but you know. 
You know better than I know me,
and thats makes me uneasy. 
Some one far more capable of analyzation than I am,
but Im the object instead of the observer...
scared of what you show me. 

The closer we get the less I trust...
I dont know how to overcome that...
except that so far it hasnt worked. 
If I trust more, then Ill just hurt more.
and you know
Im gone as soon as I figure out where, how, when I need to go.  So.

Its me.  I am the destroyer of my own happiness. 
I am the destroyer of my own relationships. 
But..there is a hope. 
There is something that makes sense to me-
my skewed vision of how I appear to me-
that if you are supposed to have it all, you will.

And the movie set of my fear will be just cardboard and lights.

How strange to be under the microscope
observed, analyzed...
It makes me feel naked.
And sorry that I ever put anyone there.

a little hammer to test the strength
of the orb before me
so beautiful it sits, resting on
some elaborate pillow
in the middle of a castle
in the middle of a fantasy
Its colors change to keep up interest
and there are sparkles that outshine stars
and music playing to entice the ear
embedded in patterns that draw deeper
into fascination, as if to distract from the task
of the test.

I tap once on the surface
the fiscade trembles
When it stops, I tap again
and a peice falls to the ground
at the third tap, there is only dust at my feet
a pile of rubble where once had been
art.

A sledgehammer to test the strength
of the marble orb before me
It sits in a plain room
with no gold, no riches, no glory
a dull light from an open window
bathes the sight in reality
It seems so solid, so heavy at sight
it has weathered some storms
been beaten upon by time
and yet still it sits there
Only do I trust these observations
when I've completed my test.

My tool I swing above my head
and bring down hard on the surface before me
my blow glances off and there is not a scratch
A second time I swing my hammer
and a third, with all my conviction
and yet it stands, unbruised by my attempts.
still here, for all my efforts to destroy it.

I will never test again.

the calm of the storm is on me, "two paths diverge in a yellow wood"
before me a choice, though my preference seems evident
to those that are witness.

Confliction between the orbs, like laughter at childhood imperfections
play in the background, in the foreground, in the sun colored leaves.

A premonition fulfilled, at least half way, and I know what comes next
its not the happy outcome of "ever after", but a crash and burn of desires opposing.

do I sit and wait for the inevitable intrusion, the need for an exclusion to be made
or make it impossible for such a collision, avoiding cleaning up the debree?

In all my days one thing is clear-that no matter what I choose, the outcome will
be that of the almighty whose plan cannot be changed, cannot be wrong.

So how can I know that my story is not yet over? How can I know this love is not true?
When it hasnt lived up to the expectations of yesterday, but blows away those of tommorrow?

Confliction. Underwhelming, no action to be made, no difference to be changed
Just sit and let things play out, as true love will make things clear, and others dissappear.

The confliction is only in the perspective that creates the impression of the truth in this minds eye...and as intuitive as this eye is, its faulty, but now, safe: enfolded in the love
of one who would not allow my knees to hit the ground when I trip, but throw his body underneath my own if the need arose to obtain the injury meant for me.

What safety is not preceded by immense caution?

There is something I enjoy about being called by a name that is not my own.  Dont get me wrong, I enjoy when a lover whispers "Erika" into my ear, or when I make a phone call and the one answers "hi, Erika" just by hearing my voice.  I love hearing my name from the lips of my dear friends, and people I just met (call me a narcissist, cause I am).  It is my entity they call, the energy that they identify with those five letters is me in a way-the name given me by my parents (my mother to be exact from a book of names).  My name means "ever-ruler" (I believe thats a gaelic translation) though I doubt very much that I am a ruler of anything but the energy that is my own, and even that is debatable.  I am more like the borrower of my energy, the borrower of my soul-as the owner is the Ever Owner of All.

But I also identify, like an indian who picks their own name once they have reached an age of maturity, with Stella Luna.  That name represents what my soul should be called.  A great affinity for nature and beauty, for light, and love.  I like the picture it puts in my head of the ability to uncover truths, and love no matter what truths are revealed.  Of course I don't get that energy alone-it is given to me, but still.  When I am called "stella luna" it almost immediately puts me in a frame of mind that is peaceful and loving, honest and open, child-like and wise-the best parts of my soul revealed by those two words.

So I pose this question:  what name would do the same for you?  Do you have such a profound peace come over you when someone uses the name you chose to give yourself?

Much Love
Stella E

This wave of relief cannot last long, the cycle unending as life continues through its long draw and around and around again we go so much the same, ever so slow.  A moments laughter, a moments pain, a moments sorrow, a moments regret....And regret and regret and regret, when all you do is moan and cry out to the Lord for the help that you dont want to accept.  You cry out for the answers, but you dont like them, so you throw them away and with them your integrity, your mystery, your innocence.

What crap.  What utter crap. when the cycle begins again and you do nothing but succumb to it, letting the waves of guilt wash over you and over you and drown your common sense in your tears, along with your voice.  Just breathe, just breathe cause in the next moment that might be the only thing you dont have anymore.

No more-No more pain, no more tears, not here in heaven where there is only love and joy.  No more hurting, no more guilt, you are free of such bondage, free of such iniquities.  Oh I fall.  I fall down to my knees that I would not pass by when you cry out for food.  That I would not run when you call out for love, that I would not lock my door when you cry out for shelter.  Only inclusive.  Always included-you.  Will never be left out in the cold.  This is my greatest hurdle...To open the doors of my heart to those who would break it in an instant.  I can let you in the first time, but oh-that second time...and over and over and over as you walk with your steel souled shoes over my fragile terrain....no fences...no fences

The Lord Jesus Christ has given me no fences....