I dont want to be an asshole.

I dont.  But if Im wasting time with you than the chances are that Im not wasting time.  In fact if Im wasting time with you the chances are I am spending quality time with you.  There are very very few people that I will waste time  with and if at any point i feel like Im wasting time, then the time Im spending with that person will end.

so....I think that it is needless to say that if I am spending energy on making you feel whatever it is that I am making you feel, whether that is good or bad, then I am going out of my way, because I care about you, to make you feel that way.

I understand the idea that people that care about you dont make you feel badly about yourself.  But I happen to disagree.

If you are doing something bad, on purpose, then someone who truly cares will say:hey, I know you arent living up to your true potential, and you know it too, so you cant trick me into thinking you can, cause i know you better than that.

And if they care, like I care, they will (and I do) love you unconditionally anyways, but I wont stand for you (as you shouldnt  stand for me) living below your true potential.

There are days like today when everything comes together in a perfect sort of music, and I think that maybe Im not just lucky.  Maybe there is something to this whole karma thing.

It sucks to be honest.  It does.  Because when you are honest you immediately recieve the consequences of your actions.  I mean literally the second after you open your mouth to say what ever it is that you believe with all your heart to be true, the reaction from the person you are speaking to is evident, and if it happens to be one of those "not nice" truths that you are saying, then their disagreement or their discomfort with your bringing that perception to their attention is directly evident to you.

And I wonder in that moment if I am a bad person, and if I have been wrong, and if I have hurt needlessly when I have only spoken because I believe silence is more destructive.

But its days like today, when things come together and save me because I work hard and dont deserve to be stressed more so than I need to be, that I think that I am ok, and perhaps even a good person.

Thanks for listening.  It was a good day.

I really cant figure out how to reach out to you and have you see me as a person and not a conquest or a mistake or an exgirlfriend, or an ex friend.  I really am having trouble, and Im not sure if its my ego, but I just want to say, maybe in some cowardly "shout out to the world" I havent changed my opinion of the worth and value of your soul. 

I dont know how to get you to understand that I dont need promises or lies or dreams or anything in order to want you in some capacity my life.  I dont need words that mean less than dust, and I dont need you to perform for me or distract me.  I dont need you to dance for me.  I dont need to you entertain me. 

I cant figure out how to make you understand that, and now there is this vast thing that really is nothing at all separating me from being able to call you or send you a letter.  There is this magic nothing that makes me stop before even thinking about picking up the phone.  

Its simply that there is no ball in my court to hit to you.

And I want you to toss the ball back, so I can just pick up the banter and fun and prove to you that it doesnt matter. Prove to you that I dont want to talk about what has happened, but to just be the friends we were and the friends we always have been.  I have never stopped...

But you have successfully stolen the ball, and at least for the time being, this round is over, and it will be until you pick up the racket and communicate.

You know where to look if you know what you want.

And when I wake up tomorrow it will be a new day and a new chance to be a better me, a better more true, more inspired and positive person then I was today.